BEING EXCLUSIVE

Being exclusive is dating only one person at a time, and there’s no one else involved. Exclusive means it “excludes” other romantic interests.

Becoming exclusive is declaring your commitment for someone. You’re in it for the long haul. Your intentions are pure.Those who have commitment issues find this word to be super scary.

I met a dude during my undergrad days. He asked me out and I told him. I don’t do relationships, no lovey-dovey, call me before checking up on me, in fact, no surprises. I just do not want to be exclusive. Obviously , I had watched too many American movies, sadly it’s not the American movies, I have seen strong women broken by love and
I do not want to be that girl. So I shied away from emotional entanglements…

Should we even be having this conversation? Yes! Should we be talking about being exclusive in marriage? Sadly, we have to, with the rate of cheating men and women all over the place. In this part of the world, we are conditioned to think one man one man woman.

Our social values, scrap that. In the days of old, our great grandfathers married more than one wife and it was celebrated. In fact, in some religion, it is acceptable. However it is an abomination for the woman to even think of another man while married, she is labelled a prostitute for even daring to have such thoughts. There is this popular yoruba song ‘mo le laya meji kosohun to buru nbe ti obinrin ba ni oko meji odi asewo, ti obinrin ba ni oko meji, illegal ni(I can have two wives, it is not wrong, however,if a woman has two husbands, she is a prostitute and it is illegal).

The narrative has changed now. Feminism brought with it the good and the bad. Cheating women are hiding under the umbrella of feminism. These days you hear married women bringing their sugar boys to their matrimonial homes. Is it evolving times or degradation of values?

I had this conversation with a friend about being exclusive after he saw my WhatsApp status upload. I will call him Tomi cos I won’t like to call my friend anonymous*winks

Yetunde: Why can’t men offer platonic friendship to women without any strings attached

Tomi: Except you don’t find the person sexually attractive

Yetunde: Is it everyone that you find sexually attractive that you must have sex with?

Tomi: Of course no but you’d want to find out if she wouldn’t mind

Yetunde: uhmmm…

Tomi: Yetunde, this is how we are wired. It is okay to want to rise above this animal instinct but this is how humans are wired

Yetunde: Yes, men have been wired that way, but can they for once think about their partner and not allow the animalistic instinct in them take over when those urges come.

Tomi: I read about Cardi B’s divorce on social media this morning. Apparently the husband cheated and people are asking what more do men want? Talmabout obviously nothing you can do to satisfy a man that he wouldn’t cheat.

Tomi: I mean, Cardi B has money, has a banging body and all. Is it not obvious we need to redefine what we call cheating? Like I tell my wife, I think I’m just way ahead of my time in many things. How is it cheating because I see a fleshy babe and we had sex when in fact it doesn’t even cross my mind for a second to leave my partner for the fleshy babe.

Tomi: But the world really wants a beautiful relationship to end on that note. And I keep asking, didn’t we agree sex isn’t love?

Tomi: I admit it is hard to tell when it happens if it was just sex or something more but I think once we shift our attention into finding out which, it will be much easier. Like I do say in my previous relationships and up till now, my deal breaker is emotional investment in another person. That’s when the whole point of being together becomes meaningless to me.

Yetunde: Is sex not part of giving oneself to another person? So you are married and still want to have sex with another woman. Did you think about how that’s gonna affect your partner’s emotions?

Yetunde: Women lie when they say they don’t attach emotions to sex. We do! Except the sex was, not all that! If the sex was mind-blowing, we will want to hold on to the person knowing fully well, it was just for fun. We try to hold on and cry heartbreak once it’s over.

Yetunde: To women, mindblowing sex can lead to love and can in itself be called love.

Tomi: It is interesting to know you are a woman but you think women have sex for emotion alone. Lol

Tomi: You’ve got a lot of evolving to do

Yetunde: Men say, they separate their emotions from love, that is why a man can pay any random girl to sleep with her

Tomi: Sex is love because of the unnecessary holiness we attach to sex. Why are pornsters not falling in love with all the characters they have it with?

Tomi: But women do have escorts in Europe? Men they pay to lay and go back to their normal lives.

Tomi: This is not an advocacy for men. This isn’t about men at all. It is about all of us. You’d be surprised how many women feel exactly as I feel but are unable to voice it because of societal perception. There are women dying in their marriages because they have libidos higher than their husbands and because of how society is. Fidelity to men that can not satisfy them means a lifetime of unhappiness. You don’t care about those women at all

Yetunde: Why not be better beings and leave the other person

Yetunde: What reasons do they have for the escorts? Are these women in a relationship/marriage? We have heard cases some of them developing feelings for these same escorts.

Tomi: We only have shitty human beings and reasonable ones. And having sex with another person outside a relationship does not necessarily defines who is shitty or reasonable. Attitude does.

Yetunde: Why stay in a relationship when I am not happy or unsatisfied?

Yetunde: Don’t you think it is eville to hurt the other person, did the other person also agree to go into the relationship with full knowledge that
‘her man is gonna be having sex with other humans and is okay with that

Yetunde: ‘You’ are not in a relationship with yourself for chrissakes, do not breed broken souls just because you like something and want to go for it. It is about morals here!

Yetunde: If before going into a relationship you say, babe, this relationship is non-exclusive and I say cool. But if you tell me this and I say I want us to be non-exclusive, are you cool with that? And I tell you I can not bear seeing you with another, it will kill me. Does that make me closed-minded?

Tomi: This is where our talking points should be. With people like you, do you think there would ever be partners willing to accept or explore this truth?

Tomi: We bring dishonesty into relationships ourselves with almost unrealistic goals. It is just like Christianity. We all know we can’t be Christ-like but nevertheless we pretend

Tomi: This is our future.

Tomi: 9 out of 10 times, it will make you be set up for future heartbreak. It is just what it is. We’ve become Christians over the years and practised monogamy but between you and me, have we fared better as far as Fidelity is concerned? I think we have only pretended better

Tomi: I think we should face our fears and be ready to have the conversation of mutual non-exclusivity. I’m too much of a realist for these things. Gender inequality is one of the factor mitigating against this progress because if the genders are not equal, one gender already has the upper hand.

Tomi: It is really sickening to see people getting judged for their sexual choices. Yea, if you make a vow, you should be held to the dictates of your vows. But only a simple person will judge a man or a woman completely based on these things. There are shitty people who are unreasonable. It is unfortunate to be with those ones. But there are also great people, who just want to explore once in a while and like me who couldn’t care less whether their partner does the same.

Tomi: We are spending an average 70 years on earth and if you’re a Nigerian in Nigeria, 54 years is the average. How much has one spent out of it already? Almost thirty or over and you want the totality of my existence to be defined by one person all my life? No, I’m too sophisticated for such inanity.

Yetunde: But we do not talk about these things before entering into the relationship.

Yetunde: If I have prepared myself that even if I do not like it that my man will sleep with anyone he fancies and come to terms with it before it happens. I might not get heartbroken.

Tomi: My wife and I did. Even though we didn’t completely brush the hair but she knows my stand. I’m not a shitty person. I’m not a me a person and I don’t want privileges that can’t be availed to the other person
Tomi: Not saying it is right. But to your question, because of societal perception! It is how women cheat too

Yetunde: Why do men secretly cheat if it is so right?

Yetunde: All these things will save everyone a lot of heartaches if discussed before going into a relationship.

Tomi: Seriously, I am tired of people getting judged on sex and sex all the time. You see those men infidelity tear their homes apart, they are either weak or simply irresponsible!

Tomi: And it isn’t just the extra marital that made them irresponsible.

It is quite interesting and an eye-opener having this conversation.

Please I do not want a partner that says babe we are going to be non-exclusive, ah God will not catch us, you will now go outside to have sex with another woman and say it’s nothing babe!it’s just sex! It’s you that I love!
Ah, I reject it In Jesus Name.

There was this movie I watched over the weekend. Wife got a stripper to spice up their relationship and it what, it ended in tears. They got high on weed and alcohol(stripper, weed and alcohol are the aphrodisiacs). Husbandman mistakenly slept with the stripper. You screamed, I screamed too!

My sincere advice, just marry someone you have same morals and values.

Being exclusive is a big deal. Please have that conversation before going into any relationship/marriage.